~If you choose me, be
aware of what you are choosing~
Or
~Patterns~
If
change is inevitable, and actions are choices, then, within the many
overlapping cycles of life lives the power of choice. So, by focusing solely on
desire, do we miss crucial factors? What would those factors be? Doesn’t the
world seem to point out those points too us?
Repeating
cycles means what? Oversights, incompleteness, the lack of perceiving in the
entirety. We need to accept that the world we exist in cannot be completely
understood. But we as Warriors, Sorcerers, and men of knowledge know that the
real objective is not to understand the world but instead to cultivate the
awareness to simply handle the world. Understanding is nice, but unnecessary.
Handling the world is enough. So simple a concept for an all-encompassing idea.
Patterns.
My repeating pattern seems to be; I meet someone who I find truly interesting. Well
not just that, she also seems interested in me. There’s always similar circumstances
attached, for example, she has a boyfriend or she’s married or she lives far
away or she’s a lesbian or at least something along these lines. Also, she seems
to be in need of some sort of “special attention” and consideration of which I am
willing and able to provide. I apparently see my role clearly when I find
myself “choosing” to engage these individuals and develop a relationship. I meet
the woman’s “special attention” and needs and then she moves on, better off for
the experience. Problem is this; there is always some love attached. Powerful and
unconditional. Specialized to fill the “holes” in the other person. I end up
falling in love, ½ knowing that my role is to fulfill their need responsibly. I
was granted these gifts, now I’m being called on to use them, seems fair right?
Well, I always hope, really hope that this time things will be different. That this
time, it will all work out right.
Now,
if there is one point within this “grand enterprise” that can sway the path
either way, is it mine to decide? Could my role perhaps be more than just “special
attention”, maybe love for me? I meet and become intimate with these lucky
ladies in new and exciting ways. I’m always out-doing myself, making them
happier and treating them better than anyone ever had. My overall knowledge of
their “quirks” which make them unique come thru and they are celebrated. They become
a part of me as I give of myself, whatever I am able. This is the “frosting on
the cake” that I’ve always dreamt of. See also, I’m forced to over and over
again, let these loving, cherished connections go. I realize that everything
has its time, but isn’t there a way to have better control over the when and
why?
Clarity
would be a must. Detachment and personal depth are necessary to achieve this
clarity. These patterns stand as proof rooted in my past that this pattern re-emerges
time and time again. It would be wise of me to make use of these experiences
and that wisdom can guide me to the clarity I so desperately need.
Then
there is fear. We both inevitably have it. If she is afraid, it would be wise
of me to construct situations which reveal safety and security for her. Trying to
do this must be fluid and sincere as well as spontaneous, using all the gifts
and skills I have at my disposal. Not impossible, but this also must not be
more than a guideline for my intent. Anything more would lead me to being less
aware of other potentially critical factors.
I’m
afraid too. I’m afraid that I will have to give my love back to God and live in
emptiness. Don’t I deserve to be happy? Love is larger than I am. Larger then
we are, granted. I really want to feel it again. Not to mention that some help
in life would be much appreciated. All too often it resembles a dream of which I
am afraid to awake for the fear that she will be gone.
My
role in these situations seem to be akin to the precision of a surgeon utilizing
his scalpel. He corrects the undesirable ailment and then moves on to the next.
My hope and desire for love parallels
the desire to be as effective and precise as I can be with every healing of every
ailment, issue or situation. Does that
mean that love for me is perfect usefulness coupled with an equal exchange of
energy with my partner? The appreciation and gratitude expressed to me from my
partner means the world to me. That return of energy and caring makes me
valuable. It makes me truly happy for as long as it lasts. Without it there can
be only loss and pain. With that little offering of thanks, I am fulfilled!
The
world has revealed to me that usefulness is not always found within what we can
hold in our hands or found in the actions that we choose. Sometimes, usefulness
lives in the empty space. Consider the window in your bedroom. It is the space
without which gives it the most value. The water glass-the emptiness within is
what offers a vessel for liquids. Am I truly such a container? To be filled up
and to nourish the user, only to be discarded once their drink is done? Because
relationships and communications are essentially an exchange of personal energy,
could awareness guide me to perpetually fulfill the new and inevitable need
sure to arise? Assuming that is possible, is it proper? I mean, is that a form
of indulgence on my part? Is it a perversion of the gifts and “special abilities”
I have been so ingratiated with?
If
I were to choose someone. The one I choose to adore is satisfied over and over
again so that she chooses me, over and over again with a fulfilled heart, is
that wrong? And I am fulfilled and happy, is that wrong? I guess that depends
on perspective. Is it misleading to believe that the concept is even possible? I
have no true evidence that it is. Evidence has shown me, time and time again,
that once my usefulness is exhausted, I am discarded and replaced with a newer
model.
I learn more and more every time. I hurt….every
time, but at least I felt love.
I am the full cup as well as the empty. But all
and all, I am only a cup. A vessel to hold the love and devotion that she
needed at the time. Does a cup prefer fullness to emptiness, emptiness to being
full? Or is a cup satisfied being an effective vessel for either? I believe
that the cups best bet is to be the best cup that he can be! The most widely
chosen, practical vessel possible. In that light, I am a very good cup, although sometimes fragile, I keep hot
drinks hot and cold ones cold. My usefulness lies both in my full state as well
as my empty. I am a champagne glass of crystal and also a rusty canteen. A clay
pot and a Ming dynasty vase. My values is the same be me empty or full, hot or
cold, clay or crystal, chalice or canteen. But do heed this…..I am not a disposable
beer cup, 40 for a dollar. If that’s what you think you see, you should have no
problem finding another just like it, for you are sadly mistaken. My power lies
within my willingness and availability to be used. So if it is me that you
choose, know what you are choosing.
~Steven Zen~
